Title: The Smile, the Song, and the Space to Grieve
This morning, I found myself listening to "Tracks of My Tears." It wasn't random. I had just woken up, remembering a moment from a few days earlier—sitting on this balcony in Myrtle Beach, soaking in the sun. People commented on how happy I looked. And I was. Genuinely. But it got me thinking.
So often, especially with my clients who are navigating fresh grief, we get praised for appearing happy. For smiling again. For looking like our "old selves."
But here’s the truth: we don't go back to our old selves.
The Myth of "Getting Back to Normal"
Well-meaning people will ask, "When will she be back to her old self?" or say, "You look like your old self again." They want to believe that grief is a season with an end. But real grief changes us. We don't return. We evolve.
The person before the loss doesn't come back. Instead, we slowly become someone new. We carry the grief with us—not as a burden to be discarded, but as part of our reshaped being.
The Mask We Wear
The Smokey Robinson classic, "Tracks of My Tears," captures this perfectly. Outwardly, the singer laughs, dances, even celebrates. But inside, he's crying. Not metaphorically. Literally. Tears that no one sees.
So many grieving people put on that same mask. Not to deceive. But to comfort others. Happiness makes people around us feel better. And we want to be okay. We want them to be okay. So we perform.
And sometimes, we really do feel joy. We smile. We laugh. But the grief—that tender, raw place—still exists just beneath the surface.
Why Witnessing Matters
One of the most powerful gifts we can offer someone in grief is simply to witness them.
In my work, I hear clients say things like, "I've never told anyone this," or "Not even my spouse knows how I feel." And when I say, "I've felt that too," the relief is almost immediate. That witnessing is a powerful salve.
We all need a place to let the tears fall. A space where we can take off the mask. Not forever. Just long enough to exhale and be seen.
Finding or Creating That Space
If you are grieving, find your safe space. That might be a grief coach, a trusted friend, a faith leader, or even a journal. But make room for that truth. Don’t force yourself to hide it all the time.
If you love someone who is grieving, offer them that gift. Not by fixing. Not by pushing them to "move on." But by witnessing. By allowing their full humanity to show up without flinching.
The Invitation
Next time you see someone smiling after a loss, remember: that smile may be real, but it’s not the whole story. The tears may still be there, just unseen.
And if you're the one carrying those silent tears, know this: your grief deserves space. It deserves to be witnessed.
Take a moment today to either offer or seek that kind of presence. Reach out to someone who's grieving. Or if that's you, let yourself be honest with someone you trust. We don't heal by pretending we're okay. We heal by being seen.
I'll be here, witnessing with you.
And yes, I'm going to enjoy the beach now.
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