Postpartum Grief After Pregnancy Loss: A Journey of Healing and Hope
Pregnancy loss is a deeply personal and often invisible grief. For many, it brings not only emotional pain but also physical challenges that are frequently overlooked. The body’s postpartum recovery doesn’t stop simply because a pregnancy ends in loss, yet this reality remains unspoken in much of society.
In this article, we’ll explore the intersection of postpartum recovery and grief, drawing from the profound insights of Eileen Santos Rosete, a grief educator, certified postpartum doula, and author of To Tend and To Hold: Honoring Our Bodies, Our Needs, and Our Grief Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss.
Understanding Postpartum Grief
Postpartum grief is the experience of navigating both the physical recovery after pregnancy and the emotional pain of loss. Whether the loss occurs early in pregnancy or during later stages, the body still undergoes significant changes. Hormonal shifts, physical recovery, and emotional strain are compounded by the absence of a baby, leaving many feeling unprepared and unsupported.
Eileen explains, “After a pregnancy loss, your body doesn’t distinguish between the outcome of that pregnancy. It still goes through labor, hormonal shifts, and postpartum recovery. This is why postpartum care is essential, even when there isn’t a baby in your arms.”
For many grieving individuals, these physical and emotional challenges are unexpected. The term “postpartum” is often associated only with live births, yet it applies to anyone who has given birth, regardless of the outcome. Recognizing this fact is the first step toward offering compassionate support.
The Overlooked Realities of Postpartum After Pregnancy Loss
1. Physical Recovery:
After a miscarriage or stillbirth, the body undergoes processes similar to those of postpartum recovery following a live birth. These include:
Bleeding and Cramping: The uterus must contract and expel tissue, which can lead to weeks of physical discomfort.
Lactation: Many are surprised to experience milk production, a painful and heartbreaking reminder of their loss.
Eileen recalls, “During my first pregnancy loss, I was shocked to find myself sitting on the toilet in labor-like pain. It hit me—I was giving birth, even though the pregnancy had ended.”
2. Emotional and Psychological Strain:
The grief of pregnancy loss is often compounded by feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy. Societal language can exacerbate these feelings. Terms like “miscarriage” can imply that the person carrying the pregnancy did something wrong.
Eileen offers a reframing from her Filipino heritage: “The word ‘nakunan’ means someone from whom something was taken away. It validates the grief without assigning blame.”
3. Societal Silence:
Many grieving individuals feel isolated because society often avoids discussing pregnancy loss. Friends and family may unintentionally minimize the loss by saying, “You can try again,” or failing to acknowledge the grief at all.
Why Postpartum Care Matters
Postpartum care after pregnancy loss validates the physical and emotional challenges of this experience. It provides the tools and resources needed for healing, even when the outcome isn’t a living child.
Eileen shares, “I didn’t realize I was postpartum after my first loss until I was in the thick of it. The care I needed wasn’t offered because there’s such little awareness about postpartum grief.”
By addressing both the physical and emotional aspects of recovery, postpartum care allows those grieving to feel supported and seen.
Holistic Approaches to Healing
Eileen’s work emphasizes holistic care, addressing the physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of postpartum grief. Here are some of the practices she recommends:
1. Self-Tending Practices:
Self-tending is a gentle, reverent approach to caring for oneself during grief.
Nourishing Foods: Warm, nutrient-rich meals can promote healing.
Rituals for Lactation Loss: Eileen suggests creating a ritual to honor milk production. This might involve expressing milk and offering it back to the earth.
Rest and Reflection: Create space for slowing down and acknowledging your emotions.
Eileen explains, “Self-tending is more than self-care. It’s a way of honoring your body and emotions during a vulnerable time.”
2. Embodiment Practices:
Grounding and movement can help process grief physically. Trauma-informed yoga, gentle stretches, and mindful breathing exercises are effective ways to reconnect with the body after loss.
3. Seeking Community:
Grieving in isolation can make the experience even harder. Support groups, either in-person or virtual, provide a space to share stories and find connection.
Cultural Perspectives on Grief
Cultural perspectives deeply influence how we view and process grief. In Western societies, pregnancy loss is often minimized or ignored. Language can either validate or dismiss the grieving process.
Eileen reflects, “In Filipino, the word ‘nakunan’ doesn’t blame the person for their loss. Instead, it acknowledges their pain and honors their experience.”
Exploring different cultural approaches to grief can help create a more inclusive and compassionate framework for supporting those who are grieving.
How to Support Someone Experiencing Postpartum Grief
Supporting someone after pregnancy loss requires empathy, patience, and understanding. Here are some practical tips:
Acknowledge the Loss: Say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Simple acknowledgment can be profoundly healing.
Listen Without Judgment: Allow the grieving person to share their feelings without trying to “fix” them.
Offer Tangible Help: Provide meals, help with errands, or offer childcare for other children.
Avoid Minimizing Statements: Avoid phrases like, “At least you can try again,” or “It wasn’t meant to be.”
Eileen emphasizes, “What grieving people need most is to feel seen and heard. Acknowledgment is a powerful first step.”
The Transformative Power of Grief
When grief is acknowledged and honored, it can become a pathway for transformation. Eileen believes that grief teaches us about love and connection.
She shares, “Grief invites us to slow down and turn inward. When we tend to it with care, we create space for growth and healing.”
Her book, To Tend and To Hold, offers tools, rituals, and practices to navigate the sacred journey of postpartum grief.
Conclusion
Postpartum grief after pregnancy loss is a multifaceted experience that deserves validation, care, and compassion. By integrating holistic practices, fostering supportive communities, and adopting compassionate language, we can create a world where those grieving feel seen, heard, and honored.
As Eileen says, “You are not alone. Your grief is valid, and your healing is sacred.”
Join the Conversation
Continue this important discussion in the Grief 2 Growth community: http://grief2growth.com/community.
For more insights, visit Eileen Santos Rosete’s website:
https://eileensantosrosete.com
or follow her on Instagram: @OurSacredWomen.
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